Mostly Harmless
by PurpleMoon3
Summary: A goa'uld comes to earth, but that's okay!  There's this little issue of being eaten by the local wildlife that really puts a damper on those world conquest plans.


**Mostly Harmless**

**A Stargate: SG1, Being Human (UK) Crossover**

**Disclaimer: Stargate and related series go to MGM and partners. Being Human goes to the BBC and Toby Whithouse.**

**A/N- Timelines would be at any point in the first 5 seasons of Stargate, and mid-season 2 for Being Human. Why are the trio in America? In a slight AU they decided they needed to book it after the funeral parlor explosion... or something along those lines. Just roll with it.**

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><p>There <em>was<em> a goa'uld loose on Earth. Past tense. Jack had never been more thrilled to survey the bloody remains of an animal attack. "You sure about that, Doc?" He asked with a grin, one hand resting lightly against his hip-holster and the other in his pockets.

"I could do a more thorough test once we've got the body transported, colonel." Janet replied as she snapped off her white gloves. "But this is pretty conclusive."

"Yeah. I guess it is." The goa'uld had been stealthy, Jack could give it that. The thing had avoided their detection systems in a small shuttle craft, and only brought along a handful of jaffa entourage to do a little recon. If it wasn't for the Tok'Ra getting off their butts and sending a note Jack wasn't sure the SGC would have caught the sneaky weasel in time. As it was, they hadn't caught the snake-head: something else did.

"Sir!" A young woman in forest greens marched up and snapped him a salute. "We located one of the jaffa, alive."

"So... where is he?" Jack asked, his good-news induced haze evaporating like morning mist. He could see Carter perking up from where she was crouched by the body in question, conversing with Janet. Teal'c and Daniel were off trying to find the most likely place Wad'It would have landed her ship: there was way too much ground cover to spot it by satellite.

"Up a tree, sir."

Jack didn't bother to hide the smug smile that crawled across his face. "Oh really? Wild hog? Those things can be vicious."

The sergeant's expression didn't change, but a light pink colored her cheeks. Jack was intrigued, and motioned for her to show him the way as she continued her explanation. "No, sir. He refuses to come down and there is a, ah, naked man asleep on the ground below him." That was not something Jack had expected to hear. "The jaffa seems convinced that if he comes down the 'Curse of Anubis' will wake and devour his soul."

"Really?"

She shrugged. "I can't explain it sir. The man himself seems to be pretty safe-" But you learned quickly in the SGC that appearances were often only that. "-and hasn't done much. Rolled over a bit, muttered something about tea that we never drink, and snored."

"Huh. Why haven't we tried waking him up?"

"We have. Smelling salts, shaking, nothing works. Ter- Corporal Adams figures he'll wake up in his own time or not at all. We covered him with a blanket and carried him away from the tree, but the jaffa still won't come down. Perhaps Teal'c could reason with him?"

"Yeah, I'll call him up."

Jack tilted his head back to spot the jaffa, still wearing all that heavy armor, perched precariously on a branch and clutching the tree trunk like his life depended on it. "Howdy!" He called, just to be an ass.

"You will not trick me Tau'ri dogs! I will not become one of the cursed! I shall go to my god as pure jaffa or not at all!"

"Yeah sure you betcha." Jack responded cheerily before moving over the lean-to that had been set up, and spotting a pale, blanket wrapped bundle within. Two servicemen stood at attention, guarding the streaker. "Man. If I knew this is all it took to send jaffa screaming... we just might have to take some fashion tips from Thor."

Jack spent a moment entertaining thoughts of a naked Carter running into battle, crumpled them into a ball and filled them in a mental dustbin marked 'no-way-in-hell', and reached for his radio. He had just thumbed the talk switch when a pair of thuds, the distinct sound of unconscious bodies hitting the dirt, reached his ears. Jack spun around, gun out, only to come face to face with a pair of oil-black eyes. The man, if it was a man, was dressed in well-worn but cared for clothing and tattered, fingerless gloves. He could have been any disgruntled teenager on the street, but for his light absorbing eyes and the fangs revealed by a sneer.

The boy-man-alien sniffed, shifting over to the lean-to and the unconscious naked man. "Hold it!" Jack adjusted his aim, switching from chest to head. He had a gut feeling that bullets wouldn't do enough. He hoped Teal'c, Carter, Danny, and everyone else scattered around the five mile search radius would hear through the radio and come running.

"I haven't killed any of your people, colonel." The words defrosted a bit at the end, and Jack instinctively knew that whatever else the person in front of him may be, soldier was one. From the Isles, too, judging by the accent, but then with aliens you could never be sure. "I just came for my lyco. Got a little worried when I came to pick him up and saw all the military running about."

"Lyco?"

The kid smiled with a shrug. Then he moved, and it was like fighting a super-speedy Teal'c.

Jack woke some time later to Janet calling his name and even more people from under the mountain criss-crossing the area. He even spotted some NID goons stomping over the shrubbery like they had a grudge against it. "What happened?" He asked with a wince, knowing there was going to be a bump the size of an egg on his skull for the next week.

"You were knocked out."

"Yeah, I got that."

"Probably only a light, if that, concussion." Janet continued. "Your friend wasn't so lucky."

"Friend?"

And then he saw. Naked sleeping guy was gone, and the jaffa that had been treed was dead. Throat ripped out and stomach... the baby goa'uld he had been carrying had gotten its head smashed in.

"Hammond is not going to be happy about this." He used the excuse of his head throbbing to ignore the excited mutterings of Daniel about _lyco_ and how that must be a shortened form of _lycanthrope_ which was another term for _shapeshifter_ and _werewolf_ and how Carter insisted they were just stories and didn't exist.

And then Teal'c threw in his two cents, about how the Unas were just stories, and how he had believed them to be as real as the earth vampire.

Which reminded Jack of the reason why his head ached so bad as Janet shined her penlight into his eyeballs. Black eyes and fangs.

Yup. Another fine day at the SGC, and they hadn't even stepped through the 'gate.


End file.
